06.16.16

06.16.16

On a Plane From Orange County, California to Charlotte, North Carolina

My therapist thinks that I need to post on this blog more, and I don’t disagree, but it’s gotten quite difficult to write about things that are actually happening, at least on this medium, because 1) I made the fatal mistake of giving the blog link to one of my friends who then gave it to a bunch of other people, 2) I love writing, but I think that my artistic writing style really almost disappears when I’m writing about myself, and 3) I’ve been journaling a lot, which helps too. 

So I’ve found this thing on Pintrest* that has a whole bunch of journal/writing prompts that I think I’m just going to address right here, right now. Then as the answering progresses, I might just go into some detail about real life. I don’t know, I mean I’m going to answer all of the questions like I would if I wasn’t going to post it on the internet, but you never know, I might go off on this giant tangent which would be cool because maybe I could turn it into a college essay. Ugh. 

Also today was my last day of junior year and all of my senior friends are graduating tonight and I probably won’t see them ever again. I don’t know how ti deal with that. 

Also I had this whole talk with my therapist about how I have really high self esteem and how I don’t really let trivial things like how people act, effect how I view myself. Which it totally true. I do think highly of myself, I am really confident in who I am and what I believe. I just forgot how hard I am on myself when it comes to numbers. Like I was in urgent care with my mom yesterday (long story) and I got my SAT scores (this is the third time I’ve taken it, keep in mind) and I nearly started crying. I was 100 points lower than my settling goal. Then, as I was so pissed at myself and on the verge of literally crying, the nurse called us back. And, of course, to make things even worse I made the mistake of looking down at the numbers on the scale (something that I try really hard to avoid because it always ends in internal disaster) and then I didn’t let myself eat dinner that night. I’m better now, I ate today. 

*Please excuse this self-promotion: If anyone out there in the universe is reading this and has a Pintrest, please follow me! (@TiffanyShafer) Or look at my boards! I am so freaking good at Pinterest! You won’t be disappointed!

Okay so here we go with the actually purpose of this writing sesh, there are 22 questions, but I might not get to all of them, or I might, we’ll just have to wait and see.

1. What is the biggest barrier between you and full honesty in your journaling?
• Honestly, if I’m journaling for the blog, I don’t really use names for internet’s sake. But in my actual, tangible, paper journal, I go all out. Cursing, screaming, anger, but also those entries tend to be about boys and how annoying and stupid they are. And about how I’m a fool for being obsessed with him. (Yes him. Because right now there’s this one that’s right there in my thoughts all the damn time. But these journal entries in my real journal have spanned two years, and most of them are about, you guessed it, boys. I’m the worst). 
2. What would you do with $10 million?
• Pay for my college, grad school, first apartment. Probably also my brother’s college. 
3. What are the three strangest sex dreams you’ve ever had?
• (Ah. Keep in mind I did not write these questions, I found them, please control your judging.) I don’t think I’ve ver had a sex dream? I’ve had several dreams about making out with boys though. Let’s see, three of them? Okay 1) this totally random guy that I kind of know from church, 2) my sixth grade crush asked me out on a date when we were in high school and things got spicy, 3) I had this really intense dream the day that I met the boy discussed in question 1. 
4. What scares you the most about dying?
• That it would happen too soon. That I wouldn’t have had enough time to find my purpose and fulfill it. 
5. If you could start life over, what three things would you change?
• 1) I’d change where we live. I’d want to live in Newport Beach or Huntington Beach, not smack dab in the middle of Orange County surbia, aka Coto de Caza. 
• 2) I’d change what I think I want to do when I grow up. I’ve been told and thought for such a long time that I want to be a doctor, or just something in the medical field, but the closer it gets to deciding, I just don’t know. I wish I wasn’t told that this is what I’d be good at, then I wouldn’t grow up thinking that I could do it.
• 3) I’d change all that time I spent obsessing over Mom’s best friend’s son. Four months of my life that I will never get back, all that time spent on a total bonehead asshole. 
6. A time traveler offers to kidnap your child self so you can raise her. Do you do it?
• Hell no. I’d tell that time traveler to put my child self right back where she belongs. Also I think I was raised really well, if I tried to raise myself, I’d screw it up. I would, however, ask the time traveler to take me to Woodstock, to a party in the 80’s, to my mom’s high school when she was still in school, to opening night of The Chorus Line, and I’d make the traveler get me a lunch date with Bob Fosse. 
7. "Tomorrow will be better because today I learned…”
• …that writing is super fun and not that hard, I just need some ideas. 
8. Write a letter to you 5-year-old self.
• Write all over the walls. Make a mark on that house because you’re going to move soon (well not soon, in like 12 years). Sing and dance all the time. Stop playing basketball, you hate it. 
9. If I could change one thing about the world, it would be…”
• …the way that religions (all of them) are portrayed in the media and the stereotypes that they carry. 
10. “The thing I’d be most ashamed for someone to know about me is…”
• … how much time I spend talking to myself in the car. Also how many dance parties I have with myself when no one’s home. 
11. “The thing I do most often when I’m supposed to be doing something else is…”
• …go on social media.
12. What are the top 5 skills you wish you had? Why?
• 1) super speed
• 2) teleportation
• 3) PHOTOGRAPHIC MEMORY (in all caps because I really wish that I had this)
• 4) ability to talk when the conversation has gone quiet
• 5) body flexibility like Elestagirl from The Incredibles 
13. “I wish I knew these three things for sure…”
• 1) That I’m doing the right things in my life.
• 2) That my brother is going to turn out okay.
• 3) That Mom isn’t going to be lonely when my brother and I both leave the house. 
14. “I am most grateful for..”
1. … my family, the opportunities that I’ve had, etc. 
15. Which book most influenced your life?
• Looking for Alaska, John Green
• Fangirl, Rainbow Rowell
• Eleanor and Park, Rainbow Rowell
16. “If I had the courage I would…”
• Call the boy mentioned in question 1 but also the two pervious blog posts, and tell him that I think about him all the time, and that I accidentally told someone that he was my boyfriend and I really liked the way that sounded. Also I’d ask him why he doesn’t text me first anymore. 
17. What are you wearing right now, and why are you wearing it?
• Right now I am wearing favorite pre-ripped jeans, because they are mostly spandex and are SO comfortable. I am wearing my brand new Free People bralette because it feels like I’m not wearing a bra and it’s super cute. I’m wearing my pink Lulu Lemon tank top that I’m pretty sure is supposed to be a pajama shirt but I wear it anyway. It looks super cute with the bralette but the straps are too long so I have to tie them in the back. I also have on my grey Lulu jacket because it’s lightweight but also keeps me warm. I’m very comfortable right now, this was planned because I have been sitting on an airplane for like 4 hours. 
18. When you picture God, what does he look like?
• I don’t really picture God so much as I picture Jesus. He, in my mind, looks like how He is portrayed in movies and things, tall, bearded, slightly long hair, a nice, welcoming face, the iconic sandals, you get the picture. 
19. "I’ve always wondered…”
• … why boys are so dumb and why he just won’t text me first. It’s not that hard. Also why won’t he pick up the damn phone and call me like a real man. 
20. What is your favorite hot drink, and how do you make it?
• I think my favorite hot drink is a vanilla latte from Starbucks. I’m not quite sure how they make it but I’m pretty sure it’s just a normal latte with some vanilla syrup. 
• Oh also I love chai lattes from anywhere that isn’t Starbucks. 
21. What is the one thing that you wish others understood about you?
• That most of the time I’m only pretending to have it together. And that my best friend drives me insane.
22. If you know s/he had to answer honestly, what would you say?
• Honestly, I’d ask this boy if he really likes me and what he was planning on doing about it 

Oh yay! I did all of it! Wow, that was fun. Making me feel like a real blogger. Now all I need to do is get some followers, eh?

Lol I need to do that more often. 

Thanks for reading, if anyone out there is reading. :)